That is Good Shit

Take that judicial system!

2008-06-14T15:08:00.000-07:00

R Kelly was acquitted of all charges of peeing, and is back on the streets. If you're an underaged girl, you know what that means. URINE trouble! Get it, cause he is going to pee all over you like a urinal cake.

You can't spell Murder Inc. without Murder...or Inc.

2008-06-12T21:11:00.000-07:00

Oh man, so check this out. Ashanti just released this promotional video that's supposed to look like a newscast, where people were inspired by Ashanti's new single to go out and murder people. On a fucked up scale of 1 to 10 it scores a whopping 12!!

http://jezebel.com/5015191/viral-marketing-for-new-ashanti-album-is-ill-advised-at-best

2008-06-02T15:58:00.000-07:00

Linda Hogan is dating a 19 year old. The luckiest 19 year old on Earth? am I right?

hey, where's the volume knob on that t-shirt? Looks like a rainbow took a dump

FOX-y lady. She likes the weiner

2008-06-02T15:52:00.000-07:00

Megan Fox reported to FHM that she has an insatiable appetite for sex. I have the same insatiable appetite for peanut butter m&ms. Call me!

Oprah's Diet Expert

2008-06-02T11:04:00.000-07:00

I love it when magazines interview Oprah's expert diet consultant. What was his advice? "You need more caramel flavored butter!"

New Batman awesome as hell?

2008-06-02T10:57:00.000-07:00

I saw the original Batman on TV last night, and that was just awesome, in that Michael Keaton is perhaps the least intimidating man on the face of the Earth. He's like, what, 5'4 and 100 pounds. Kim Basinger could have whopped his ass. I can just picture the villains looking at him and being like "Yeah, um...we're just gonna keep robbing if it's cool with you." And then there's that scene where he attacks the Jokers balloons and a giant pair of scissors pops out of the front of the Batwing. Because Batman totally knew he was going to encounter giant deadly balloons, a hedge badly in need of trimming, or an italian woman. Hahahah, because they're hairy.

Mila Kunis pumping gas

2008-05-31T11:51:00.000-07:00

I'd offer to help pump her tank, but she's all about self-service.

Capn' Obvious: That's a sexual metaphor!!

Fall Out (of the vaginer)

2008-05-29T10:33:00.000-07:00

Ashlee Simpson announced she's pregnant, surprising anyone who is borderline retarded. Knowing Fall Out Boy's tendency to give things ironic and unfunny titles, this kid will probably named "Bed is the only time you want to come in last (it's a boy)".

Latte of Doom!

2008-05-29T10:21:00.000-07:00

Apparently, Dunkin Donuts pulled this ad because the scarf she's rocking looks like the traditional garb of the Palestinian jihad. I guess no one's gonna check out my "It's a taste EXPLOSION!" ad, where the dude explodes in a burst of delicious custard cream, resulting in four taste-alities.

Tito Ortiz..bring it on!

2008-05-27T08:49:00.000-07:00

Tito Ortiz? Sounds like a delicious brand of tortilla chips!

Bring it!!

Are they le-le-lessssbians?!?!?

2008-05-27T08:45:00.001-07:00

Kissing your friend and holding hands doesn't make you gay!! Oh, it does? Shit.

2008-05-27T08:40:00.001-07:00

Brooke Hogan dedicated her car crash to her brother Nick, thanking him for reminding her to buckle up. She then ripped her shirt off and battled Macho Man. Ohh yeah, snap into a slim jim!!!

If the boat's a rockin'...

2008-05-27T08:35:00.000-07:00

Kate Hudson and Lance Armstrong were cuddling on a boat. This brings to mind the time I saw this crappy porno where this chick yells out "Oh Captain Burke, you naughty nautical man" which is just way too awesome.

2008-05-27T08:20:00.000-07:00

Amy Winehouse is becoming more and more like my grandpa everyday. Drunken, barely able to stand unassisted, and now, rocking diapers. If this pattern continues, next she'll regail us with tales about she single handedly took down the Red Baron.

2008-05-27T08:09:00.000-07:00

Angelina and Brad bought a bazillion dollar house. They may have money and good looks, but do they have love in their hearts? Oh, they have that too? Fuck it, do they have a vintage He-Man lunchbox? Yeah, didn't think so. Here's a quote from E!:

"Except for the ponies and goats grazing in the nearby fields, "the house is surrounded by a forest so they'll have total privacy, which is exactly what they're after," the source tells E! "No one will ever be able to get pictures of them relaxing at home, it's just impossible.""

You know what they say, you can't spell "impossible" without possible!

My instrumental CD

2008-05-25T16:59:00.000-07:00

There are rumours going around that I have created a beat CD that will rock your ass off. I can officially confirm those rumours. I have created 12 tracks of awesomeness (actually, 10 tracks, 2 of the tracks are, well, yeah). I'm shopping for an artist that wants to sing on these things and get famous, and shout me out in the video. None of the songs has an annoying vocal tag, because I ran DJ Clue down with my car this afternoon. And I sent DJ Khaled "We the best...at hot dog eating competitions!" a lovely sandwich platter, so you won't hear any of that crap either. If anyone could help me get discovered and a fair deal for these things (this is like 3 years of my life after all, I don't want like a 100 bucks for exclusive rights to this shit and any music I even listen to for like the next 20 years).

Here's the link to my stuff, the "Doughlan Presents" mixtape.

http://www.zshare.net/download/12574523180617fd/

Check it out, or suffer the sting of a thousand arrows!!!

The Game Concert

2007-08-27T05:48:00.001-07:00

I attended a concert with the Game last night. A really small hall, which is good considering I blew 80 bucks on the ticket. Seriously, this country has the most expensive tickets anywhere. But yeah, awesome shoe.

A few highlights:
1. Game tossed his shirt into the crowd and the dudes started brawling over it, this morbidly obese dude and this skinny scrapper fellow. So Game stops the concert and is like "Hold on, hold on. Let's settle this...rock, scissor, paper! Janken!" If you've ever been in japan for a while you'll find this shit pretty funny, but otherwise, yeah..
2. People throwing up dubs.
3. After the show Game is pointing out chicks in the audience he wants to bring backstage. He points at this one chick, and she turns back to her boyfriend like "What should I do?" and he just shrugs and says "Go for it!" Smooth move man, you might as well have just shot your girl in the mouth with a herpes gun. (Herpes gun, patent pending).

Rockin the Casbah

2007-08-27T05:33:00.000-07:00

My buddy was hanging around downtown Osaka, when he got on the elevator with these these two middle aged rocker dudes. They were like "Uh, man, you haven't seen David Lee Roth have you?" Turns out, the David Lee Roth Project was playing and Dave had gone awol. I'm just picturing him stumbling around in a drunken haze, rocking the pants of some random japanese folk, because rock and roll is a language that transcends all barriers.

Get your tickets now!!!

2007-07-05T18:16:00.000-07:00

Remember that episode where Alvin and the Chipmunks build that pie machine that goes out of control. Ha ha ha ha!!!

...

...

THIS IS THE STUPIDEST MOVIE IDEA SINCE "JUNIOR".

Bono: He stole this gimmick from that internal organ suit guy

2007-06-30T21:16:00.000-07:00

1. Appropriate attire is always important. When you're meeting with world leaders forego the painted-on muscle t-shirt and wrap around sunglasses in favour of something classier, such as the classic tuxedo t-shirt and monacle look favoured by globetrotting superstars such as myself and the aptly named Harlem Globetrotters.

2. Know your strengths and exploit them: If you're a musician then make sure to discuss economic policy with someone who has a phd in their field and years of experience. They will definitely take you seriously and there's no way they'll make obvious comments like "Shouldn't you be making albums right now?"

2007-06-24T04:42:00.000-07:00

I love on Sex and the City how we're supposed to buy that they are like single, happening chicks out there living it up and like hooking up with loads of guys. I'd have an easier time believing in a fart powered robot or finding a funny Chris Tucker movie. He's yelling and he's black, hilarious!!!

Note: If this came out the closet at night I'd shot first and ask questions later.

Senior Citizens kicking ass: Take that osteoperosis!!

2007-06-24T04:29:00.000-07:00

I don't know man, he's a little old to be doing this movie. A little REALLY old.

Note: It's funny cause he's old.

Note: This movie had the stupidest ending I've ever seen and actually erases any goodwill I had for the rest of the series.